i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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