Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
