Plan B is the new Plan A
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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