my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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