Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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