all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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