yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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