Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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