There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
