phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
