That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
