Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
