did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
