Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
