The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
