1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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