How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
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you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
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Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize