Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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