He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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