I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
