You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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