How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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