her vagina looked like bernie madoff
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Randomize
