So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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