i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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