she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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