Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
