What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
