Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
