hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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