All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
