My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
