I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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