I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
