Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
