He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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