I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
