I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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