i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
