I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
