Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
it's great music for shaving your balls
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
