I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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