I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
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should my penis look like a turkey
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
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All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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