You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
