Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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