____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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