I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
