my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
