I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
