We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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