My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
