its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
