He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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