I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
