My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
