Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
