I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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