if only i could text you this smell
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
